It's been forever, and I can see myself looking back at this entry in a year from now and again thinking how retarded I must have been at this point in time.

However, I need to vent to something so I might as well get to the point.

C and I have started talking and hanging out again. Right off, bad news. I'm sure anyone can tell you she's not the same person she used to be, and that's fine; I'm not either. But hanging out with her has started to bring up stuff that has long been repressed and other (more recent) things I thought I had finally gotten over.

Seeing what her and R were like together, and how their lives are makes me realize how lucky I am. In my life, and in the relationship I had after her. After been doing fabulously for the past three months in moving on in my life, i'm taking a huge step backwards. I feel like i'm being depended on so much by C, and I feel so emotionally drained that I just need someone. Someone understanding to talk too. Anything.

I can't rely on who I want too. I know how angry and upset people would be, and I know how disappointed I would be in myself. It's hard to tell myself that i've given them a chance and that it's really over, because it doesn't feel like it should be at all.

Two days ago, C said some pretty insensitive things to me. I would never think of her as more than a friend again and yes, we broke up almost two years ago, but I don't need to hear the fucking details of her one night stand. I just think what we had deserved more respect than that. Also, just throwing this out there.. but isn't asking your ex to borrow clothes to go meet some random girl you're hooking up with really tacky? It's especially nasty when you try to suck up later by saying "Awwww.. Little Jenny. I love you. You're my favorite. I don't know what I would do without you.". It just makes you look pathetic, incapable of ever having any humanity and retarded. And i'm too nice a person to say anything. So there.

So all of this causes me to worry that one day i'll be hearing someone else treat our relationship like it was nothing. In the grand scheme of things, I know six months isn't a long time. Or eight months, for that matter. I know that they'll meet other people, and love other people more than me, but I think I gave (and am still giving) everything I possibly can. I feel like everything I did meant nothing.

But that's not what this is about.

It's amazing how the mind can connect things, and make one situation reveal itself to have so many underlying roots.
I also find it amazing how many people suggest that I just stop talking to these girls, and cut ties with them completely. Even though it could be for the best.. I don't want to find out at the risk of hurting them.

I want to have thistledown, and cuddle with Cori, and curl up and watch tv in the library. These things are comfortable, and are my own. 
I'm turning 21 in two weeks, and I don't have any of my close friends (except M) with me. Although i'm not where I thought i'd be a few months ago, last week I felt happy. This week I don't know what i'm feeling; confused maybe? I'm afraid all of this is going to just make me want to escape again. Someone needs to tether me down.

That's all for now. Much thinking to be done.

Cheers.

I desparately have to study for my exam tomorrow... but i've exhausted every other social website i've used in the last ten years and livejournal is all that is left before my procrastination finally ends.

So today Mom let me take the car to school, and before I left she called out through my bedroom door, "I'm just going to hop into the shower! Have a good day!" This is a pretty regular expression, "i'm going to HOP into the shower", but this morning at least a minute had to go by while I put it together in my head." "Hop into the shower"? Huh? *picture of person hopping into the shower comes to mind* Whaaat...? Oh. " .... like wtf?

So I figured today would turn out pretty shitty after that, but it's been fairly normal.

I told Mom and Dad that when school is done in April, i'm going to Toronto to do a bartending course for a few weeks so that I can work either here, or in St. John's for the summer. They were all for it, and even talked about booking flights the night I finish my last exam. I think they're starting to realize i'm only in school to please them... so they're kind of like, "Lets let her do what she wants on the side so she doesn't drop out.".
EXCEPT get a tattoo apparently.. haha

Mom told me just not to tell her if I was going to get it done, but that I better tell my father so he wasn't super pissed if I went ahead and did it. So I told him today and he went balistic and told me that when i'm not living under his roof and I have a job, I can get one. In response I pointed out that he won't let me get a job. And since I was feeling a little bit spite-y, I mentioned that if I get this $400 "masterclass" bartending course - I have a backup if I decide that school isn't for me! :D

I'm going to get my tattoo in the spring. Regardless.
Toronto maybeeee?!?!??!!?

A boy half stalked me today hardcore. Like, I said a few words to him at a meeting and when I got home, he had me added on facebook, poked AND messaged. But I can't say much about randomly adding people on facebook I met once.. or not at all. :)

I also ordered a jacket because I am a rad psych student that needs to be kept warm by a soft-shell with Jen on the sleeve and a crest on the chest.

I ate a chicken salad melt for lunch.

I watched A Beautiful Mind today. I got it mixed up with the one of the autistic guy who gets the kid. I Am Sam, i think? Anyway.. I was watching it with mom and I made the comment, "Are you sure he's autistic? He's having delusions. Those are characteristic of shizophrenia. The symptoms of schizophrenia are a lot like autisim. He's totally shizophrenic though." Sure enough, two seconds later they put him in an institution and were talking about his shizophrenic break from reality. Boy did I feel like a smart ass. :) If I did go ALL the way with psych, I want to work with schizophrenics.

Anyone in LJ land have a valentine? Tell me about them.

Peace. <3







Flirty because tomorrow is V-day, OKAY?

The Hat

I knitted you a hat all blue and gold
To keep your ears warm from the Binghamton cold.
It was my first one and it was too small.
It didn't fit you at all, but you wore it just the same.

I remember the first time we danced.
I remember tunneling through the snow like ants.
What I don't recall is why I said,
"I simply can't sleep in this tiny bed with you anymore.".

I should tell you that you were my first love.

So it's Christmas time, it's been three years.
And someone else is knitting things for your ears.

I have come to learn I'll only see you interrupting my dreams at night
And that's alright. And that's alright. And that's alright. And that's alright.

I should tell you that you were my first love.

And it's alright. And it's alright. And it's alright.

(And it's alright.) We were seventeen again together.
(And it's alright.) We were seventeen again together.
(And it's alright.) We were seventeen again together.

I should tell you that you were my first love.
I should tell you that you were my first love.

We were seventeen again.
We were seventeen again.
We were seventeen again.



Thank you Ingrid Michaelson. :)

 I tried to start eating healthy today. That was a bust. I ate better food - but just a million times more of it. I was starving all day until I caved at 11:30 and ate 2 two-bite brownies. They were delicious.. even if it was an extra 150 calories. I need to get back into the mindset I was in when I first came back from Dal in April. Healthy eating and exercise = happy Jenny.
 ONE MONTH JENNIFER ANNE. Crunch time. I wish that even though Renee didn't want to go to the gym today, I had the gall to go by myself.
 The other day my parents gave me a lecture about how I am a very dependent person. I didn't agree at the time. They said that if i'm not out, i'm on the computer talking - which isn't true. I hate talking on msn. However, I can see where they are coming from. I think in my mind i'm still amazed that here I am back home, surrounded by people I love, and I have the freedom to do almost whatever I want when I want. What a difference from Halifax.. it was so hard being cooped up in a small room and not leaving for days and days. They finally came out and said that "yes jenny, we brought you home because you were depressed". It felt good to hear, since they wouldn't recognize how unhappy I had been until now.
 Sometimes I wonder what my mother thinks of me now. I am no longer the golden child I was once believed to be. The last hope. The last hope to do exactly what my parents wanted. The ink paper cut-out dress which seemed so fitting at one point, doesnt fit anymore.
 I don't even want to know what my friends think of me now. I dont even know what to think of myself. I dont know who I am, and I will be the first to admit it. Its like I found one thing that defines me, but now I need to make it my own. 
 There are some girls that seem to like me - but I am not interested. It seems to be a mixture of past experiences, things i've heard about them and the fact that I dont see myself being able to be with them (be it a relationship, dating, just for fun or whatever) without feeling like I was lying or leading them on. I have days and moments where i'm over this last relationshp, but little things make me fall back into it without warning. I can't stop talking or thinking about it, and its driving not only myself, but everyone around me MENTAL. I know it will pass, but I wish it was sooner rather then later because this isn't me. I would love to be whole again.
 One thing I do know is that I dont want to be in school. As much as I love psych, I dont have any motivation. I'm toying with the idea of doing some sort of trade, hair dressing or moving to toronto and working out there. I dont care about money like everyone seems to think I do. I dont like to shop like everyone thinks I do. AND i'm really not as self centered as everyone thinks I am. Really, I dont think anyone knows me that well at all. (With few exceptions: ie. Kirsten - my bestest gal). I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE ASSUME THEY DO (ie. two of my ex's). 
 Thus concludes the ramblings of a tired, bored woman. Sorry for the lack of structure dudes.

Much love,
Jennifer Anne

So far today has been an excellent day.
Second hand stores, supper, coffee/cards and drives are my idea of a good time. :)
I need to start singing again. I hope this band thing really does get on the go. I'm so excited about it.

Love love love all around.